Denial WAS my happy place.

This past week has been somewhat of a 'realization week'...I'm officially out of denial.

Read on.

Watching the news these past couple of weeks makes me want to start collecting spare change, stash it in my walls and hoard every last dollar that can be found. Highest jump in oil prices in a single day ever and I drive a tank (hello...!!!! Haven't we heard of CNG yet?) Wall Street plummeting. Legendary Financial Institutions going awol. Housing crisis apparently not bad enough for said financial institutions to do much to modify and help unless you default on your loan first. A good way to see the bright side of things when you don't have much money invested- not much to lose...

...except the roof over our heads.

What? Did I yell in your ear? That's how I feel. I guess I was feeling unattached several months ago when I posted about "the house that someone else built." But I certainly didn't forsee us as part of the crisis, in the wake of craziness and uncertainty all around us. I should have just listened to a brother / friend / mortgage advisor a year ago when he told us in so many terms to 'get out!' Hindsight is always 20/20, isn't it?

If you've heard the news from one of the kids, yes, it's true. I'm feeling overwhelmed at what lies ahead and occasionally still question why in the world we were supposed to come to this overpriced, under- appreciated, commission-draining money pit in the first place? (besides the fact that our territory in Utah was dissolved and this was the only option to keep our job with Baxter??? And, maybe I wanted to move back home--more than a little bit... to So Cal even though every other family member is scattered throughout the US).

I just keep telling myself that it doesn't matter...I don't have to understand. Okay...so we're losing over 100K with a blink of an eye. Watching our American dream...fourth home in 11 years...quickly go down the tubes. But we really can't wait it out until the CA market decides to flourish again--could be 15 years for all I know. My friends point out that perhaps darling Dr. Daneshmand played a big part in saving Vivie's life--delivering by emergency C-sec when he did maybe playing a big part? Yes, the Lord's hand was the reason. But just maybe our NICU is special. Maybe we just needed to have a trial away from family to watch how everyone could pull resources and come together in a time of need. We sure found some forever friends as a result.  Only Heaven knows and it's not up to me to find out. So, go forward with faith. I think I'm good at that--but apparently we have more lessons to learn...and isn't that the beauty that is LIFE. It sure feels like we came here ... then 9 months later bedrest ... Vivie survived the odds ... crazy first year ... breathe for a second ... and then THIS.

There could be MUCH WORSE things, I know. I'm very aware of our immense blessings. I just never thought we'd be renters once again and have so much financial uncertainty! It is happening to many people who couldn't see it coming. Anyone that really knows me....would know how much of a challenge this is--to be without a home to make my own is like taking the medium away from an artist (not saying I'm an artist, but this is where my sanity comes from!) Guess I have to spread my wings and find a new hobby or modify.

Basically we're 'readying' the house for sale. I've done my research and then done it again. The skinny of it is that it will have to be a short sale because it's worth almost 200K less than what we bought it for 1 1/2 years ago. In the end, we're trying to avoid foreclosure and with 4-5 already sitting empty on my street it looks grim, but we're hoping for the best. It's apparently not easy to get a bank to accept a short sale. Our area has been hit HARD. Harder than hard.

The plan is to follow the prophet's counsel. We came to California debt-free and we fully intend to be that way again. Because there is one stable and known factor in all this...that is, Curt's J-O-B...and finally with a 2 1/2 year history in this SD market we know now what to expect for bonuses and can budget accordingly. Whereas, coming here we had a very different picture in mind... boy didn't that stink the day Baxter changed the commission structure 2 months after we bought at the height of the market. OUCH.

We plan to stay local so we can keep Curt's income and stay with this territory...as in the 'other side of town' in Vista or San Marcos if we can find something we can squeeze into for much less than we're paying now. My feeling? Temecula...here we come. Much more affordable. We've talked about Arizona or Washington for long-term roots once our financial standing is more stable. You know...the roots we fully intended on sticking into that beloved San Diego ground? Only time will tell. But for now? Tie up loose ends...like organizing every drawer, closet, nook & cranny, power washing, carpet cleaning, staging, project-finishing...making this home shine so we can put that for sale sign up and someone else can buy it for a bargain and make it his/her own.

I'm truly saddened. I love our community, I love it that it's a 10 mile drive to the beach, I love it that this street is alive mostly because of our six monkeys. I love the relationships we've built, the routines we have, the school, but I don't love the taxes, melloroos, lack of security and well-being. And I refuse to pretend that all is well on Mulberry Street (or Glencrest Dr. if you please).

So, there you have it. Uncut. Life sure throws a curveball sometimes, doesn't it? And maybe there's a silver lining in all of this (besides getting out of debt). And it's the lessons we take from it and how we handle those curveballs that make all the difference in the world...but it sure can stink in the meantime!!!! I'm just grateful that as we press forward things become a little more clearer...than mud, that is.