Joy Noel in our hearts

We've never been unemployed for Christmas.  We've never been unemployed for longer than three months... and this year we shot that right out of the water and continue to set records. 


We've never exhausted our savings and had few to zero options in our immediate financial present & future until this last summer.  It's been a whole insane year of financial crazy.  It's also been an insane year of amazing blessings and tender mercies.  I have no other words to adequately express those feelings.




It's much easier to focus on needful things when you have no other choice. It's much easier to continue to sacrifice wants and some needs when we seek to gain a little understanding of the sacrifice and embrace our challenges wholeheartedly.  


Yes, some days are tougher than others... some days we turn into two antagonistic nightmares.  Other days we force ourselves out of bed.  But at some point we do it (becuse we have to) and press on.  Curt hasn't quit looking for work and he hasn't quit furthering his education in the tough times.  There is light somewhere at the end of the tunnel.  There is hope in all things.


It's so incredibly sobering when so many others are cognizant of our struggles and generous beyond words.  It's that extra phone call, the note in the mail, the random 'thinking of you' email, the quick lunch date, the ear, the shoulder.  We have been blessed.  Heavenly Father will never forget His children.  Looking back at this last year, which was supposed to be our year to 'rebuild'... I chuckle a little bit.  But I think we've done just that in almost a spiritual sense.  We've changed our thinking.  I actually wouldn't wish for a different challenge at this time in our lives.  Call me crazy.


How grateful we are for the resources and gifts of love, tokens of kindness, all the small & simple things, and a few really large ones that have been sent our way and thrown us to our knees.  We were all geared up and actually quite excited to have a Christmas that has been unlike any other.  We weren't worried for the kids... these kinds of lessons and experiences are among those they'd remember for a lifetime.  


The love we felt this Christmas season was truly humbling... in an indescribable dose.  And all this is why.  Christmas for us has always been about a big family service project... and all the other wonderful traditions fill in the gaps and bring us all immeasurable joy and allow us to properly reflect upon our Savior as we turn our hearts to Him.  Sure, there's Santa and commercialism-- that's part of the butterflies & excitement.  Most the time it's too much.  Certainly our children have never gone without.  This year, we were all willing to do without.  The older kids each came to us at separate times saying they only needed pencils and shoes since his were a size too small and had holes.  One needed a jacket & socks, another needed nothing, but wanted a book.  Each of them told us we could have their money they had saved up so we could pay the bills... they were so sensitive and fully willing to sacrifice their own means so the little girls could have Christmas.  Lesson learned by all.  And I am one grateful mother.


But this year we weren't quite ready for what was in store.  And it was a lesson in gratitude and humility to try to graciously accept all the amazing outreach.  We were still able to participate in a wonderful service and reach outside of ourselves.  But we were the recipients of basically most of Christmas Day as our children know it.  It's harder than you might think to be on this end.  This is a first for us after 16 years of marriage.  So a heart-felt thank you to all, near and far.

Just Rest

So I was reading O magazine... I'm actually not a freaky Oprah fan and I rarely even tivo her show, but I enjoy her magazine and I especially enjoy that it is a free years' subscription.  Martha Beck wrote an article on the hidden blessings of life's little low points and it just spoke to me in a way that hit home with a concept that I just haven't fully been able to accept... until now.  And most of this, I quote:

We live in an up-and-down, ebb-and-flow universe, yet we'd much rather flow than ebb.  When we find ourselves in the troughs between the peaks of life, some of us become resistant... and some of us panic.

Ruined plans and unfulfilled expectations remind us that we have little control over most situations and that our very lives {situations} are -- temporary.  We resist every downturn, we clutch at straws, passionately embrace denial, or pretend things won't go wrong... even when they already have.

If you're going into a valley, do what you did as a small kid on the big shiny playground slide: 


Let go and ride it down. 

I loved that... so simple, and yet, so complex.  We want the sun to shine all day and night and when it doesn't, we create cities that never sleep.  These ebbs hold a message for us... in the form of one simple blessed word... REST.

Have you ever just watched animals?  When nothing's working for them no matter how hard they try, they curl up or stretch out and surrender.  They love the valley of the shadow:  It's a dim, quiet, perfect place to gather strength.  Animals rest like they mean it.  Humans rest in a state of anxiety, guilt, and unease.  We don't mean it.  This keeps life's downtimes from fulfilling their natural function, which is to restore and heal.  Though we often see life's troughs as the universe's conspiracy to ruin us, they're actually our own true nature inviting us to lay down our weary heads.

Do nothing when nothing works.

And this doesn't mean to give up... it just means to surrender all the anxiety, the fear, the crazy and turn it over to God.  I need to appreciate my way out of my funk and listen to my life saying,  sorry, what was that?  Oh, yes.  Rest.  Until things improve and something starts to work, let's lie down in the cool shady valley... and rest like we mean it.  "

I know... not a total reality because Rest and Kids are oxy-morons.  But rather than trying to fix something that is not in my reach, I can take it as a hidden blessing, and attempt my version of REST.  Precisely why I have needed a good book in hand & my beach this summer.

Eight Months...

I'm not thankful to be unemployed; I am not thankful for the feelings of desperation and moments of despair and hopelessness. I'm not thankful that nearly EIGHT months has gone by and we don't have even a foggy ballpark idea of what direction we're headed which makes planning any inkling of a future immensely difficult no matter how many little people are affected. I'm not thankful for an empty bank account or the lame Escalade we have that needs MUCH work before something blows... the check engine light itself it gonna burn out any day, or the front bald tires will shred... along with the front shocks that have already given way...not sure which will come first. And I'm not thankful that we feel just STUCK in 'park' and there's no 'pass go and collect $200' (or a get out of jail free card :) Because sometimes this trial just feels like jail.... only I wish we could make all that monopoly money useful for something!

But.... I am ever thankful for the tender mercies that have come as a result of this sucky unemployment trial... the little notes and gift certificates that were left on our doorstep a few days ago along with a giant multiple-family-size bottle of bubbles. I'm thankful for the prayers offered in our behalf and the notes I've received over the past weeks and months from friends who truly are a God-send. I'm thankful the the most basic needs that are being fulfilled. I'm grateful that I feel one with Curt and that our marriage is as strong as ever. I'm thankful for the extra time we get to spend and that we can run away together every day if we want...because we DO have one car that works even if it's not perfect. I'm thankful for the opportunities to teach our children about sacrifice... selflessness, and service... the endless lessons at our fingertips. We can have a generally good perspective, yet still acknowledge how awful it can feel at times. I think it is MUCH worse for Curt.... I am thankful that he's also going to school and keeping his mind focused and sharp, that he's moving forward in some direction even if there can be no fruits yet from that labor.

These last few days have been particularly difficult for some reason. We're not without hope, not without faith... but some things just seem to feel heavier and more burdensome at times. And right now is one of those times. I know it's going to be fine.... and I know it's not the end of the world and that many others are going through much worse right now. But it's just okay to declare how sucky life can be once in a while, right?

The last few days as Curt and I have reflected on our current awful crazy and we are at a loss for words to express just how it feels. We look back and see that everything we have worked so hard to build has sunk so fast over the last couple years even though we're doing all the right things and being honest, truthful, good people trying to raise good and valiant contributing citizens.

I know I can be poor as poor can be and live happily in a shack on the side of the road eating homemade bread and water if need be as long as I can run to a quiet place once in a while and I have the important things like my faith, family, love, etc.

I learned quickly that the trial of losing a home and having to be a 'renter' is not NEARLY as awful as I thought it would be... in fact, it's not awful at all. It's just different. And it's temporary. One of my favorite scriptures is Proverbs 3:5-6. I know that as we turn to the Lord and give away these feelings of despair and hopelessness, continue to press on and just trust... that something grand will happen not only to our hearts, but to the path we find ourselves trodding down.


And even though today it seems impossible.... I've learned that the unemployment trial is what you make of it too. Much of it is about attitude and the choice to remain positive and hopeful. There are obvious temporal needs that need to be satisfied someway and somehow, but the major needful things have all been taken care of. I am thankful that our children are healthy for the most part (except for the 12 cavities and 4 root canals that one of our kids needs), but I'm grateful that we now have medical/dental insurance to look after those needs (thank you, medi-cal). I'm grateful we'll be able to get Viviana's obstructive sleep apnea taken care of so she can finally breathe at night, as well as learn from all the blood work if Alexandra's going through precocious puberty at six (not fun) or just has smelly 13-year-old boy pits and zits (lovely).

The kids are happy even though they bicker and fight, and we are all learning to appreciate the simple things and how being creative with our time and energies is just as fulfilling and lovely as it was eight months ago when we had a bank account, a job, and a future plan. I love love love the quote from a book I'm just finishing called The Shack.. the book is definitely different and isn't exactly the imagery and whole religious perspective I believe in, but there's some great lessons in it and I love this:

"pain has a way of clipping our wings and keeping us from being able to fly. And if it's left unresolved for very long, you can almost forget that you were ever created to fly in the first place."

So even though I'm not in 'pain' and I haven't any bitterness or anger to let go of, I have to remember that with this small trial, my perspective and attitude is everything. If I choose to be negative and give into self-pity too often, then those 'wings' could be clipped to the point that we're not moving forward and upward and forget our purpose altogether. I don't have to understand the why's... I just have to have the kind of crazy rock solid faith I had when we were going through the Vivie trial, and perhaps that's when the path will be made a little more clear.

Six Months Closer

Is there a such thing as playing hookie from blogging?  Cause that's where I've been for three glorious months... playing hookie.  And ya know what?  It feels reaaaally good.  But now I'm reaaaally behind in documenting our life for the kids.

Sometimes I wish I could play hookie from my own life as just getting through the day-to-day is exhausting at times (actually, just about every day when the clock strikes 3 I'm struck dumb and want to collapse).

but here we are... six months later... still unemployed.

And Curt's six months closer to graduating with his Master in Psych... (only 5 classes & a practicum)
...and six months closer to starting a PhD program.
Six months closer to Brayden's last year before high school
Six months closer to McKenzie's first year of middle school
And six months closer to Izzie's first year of school--period.
Six months closer to me losing my mind (I do still have some left).
And six months closer to me going back to school for my Masters in ????.

The other night in bed after another exhausting day of summer, I turned to Curt and said, "you realize we only have another 5 years with Brayden at home?"

And then I felt a little panicked.  Only five more years to teach him moral discipline, service, selflessness, teach him truths and consequences, teach him to love life fully, teach him about love and loss, sacrifice, and God.  And that's a heavy load.

So we'll see how long it takes me to load a gazillion pictures from my three-month hookie.  Cause life goes on in unemployment and we're six months closer to forever... living it one day at a time.

Unemployment Never Was So Busy...

• I'm working like a busy bee to ready my etsy store for a virtual grand-opening. Still waiting on my DBA... but I'm hopeful to experience a new kind of busy. busy. busy. At least I think I am. More details later.

• One car isn't so bad... but when I had the chance to have a second car for a week, I jumped on the opportunity. My mom spent a week in Mexico with family, and so I dropped her off at LAX and took her car home... only for it to completely die on me (once I got here safely). Turns out... engine is toast *long-not-my-fault-story*. So instead I got to spend the week having hers towed, finding out the bad news, listing it for sale, selling it, and finding her a new one. Yes, I'm patting myself on the back. And she did too. What a great mom. Truly.

• Oh, and the major, probably fatal accident I avoided on the way home from the airport... saw my little girls' lives flash in front of me. I said about 1,000 prayers of gratitude that day in an instant when the freeway was shut down and I escaped involvement by a thread. Literally, my hands were guided. I'd like to think it was my swift skills, but really, it was a 'Jesus take the wheel' moment. Precious cargo... *grateful*

• Woo hoo! We finally got our first UNemployment check... $450 for a week. And then we laughed. Who makes $450 a week? With a family of eight? Yes, every bit saves our behinds and helps the bottom line. And I am ever {grateful} even with those silly undertones. CA Unemployment really does give you a reason to get a real job. Fast.

• Curt is working his tail end off... only it's a commission-based opportunity which I won't discuss right now. But he has a killer resume, has posted for some new opportunities, and hopes that we can soon have a corporate job that actually pays the bills. Brayden needs a mouth-full of root canals. Health insurance is a must. SOON.

• The good news is that Curt can make it to the gym everyday. Don't know what my lame excuse is.

• Monson's Pinewood Derby and Blue & Gold Dinner is over with. Busiest months in Cub Scouting. And I think Curt liked being the spectator this year instead of the orchestrator. And I loved not having to help build a new car this year. There are advantages to moving, ya know.

• Lots of rainy days= lots of indoor days. We aren't use to that cabin fever thing. A few hail-storms were a highlight for the kids... and for me, because it means that something else can entertain them besides Dora, me, Curt, me, or Dora.

• I really miss pre-school. But I really do cherish this time with my little girls at home. Maybe I should do a joy school so I can be that much busier. Hmm... it actually sounded like a good idea when it came out of my head.

• Girls Club, play-dates, baseball, preparing & teaching lessons in YW and RS, service projects, Cub Scout projects, homework projects... projects left undone. The usual.

• And I've been overwhelmed & humbled by the love notes I've received by snail mail, email & sporadic phone calls from so many dear, true friends that help me keep my head held high. They all have been *WOW* moments for me. I feel loved.

And I am ever-so-grateful.

We are truly blessed... this is {better be} just a small little moment...

and we'll be just fine.

Shakin' Up The Emotions.

My latest sewing project was so RUDELY interrupted & permanently put on hold this morning by some very unexpected news that came out of left field... and now after the heart-sunken feeling, numbness, and just trying to make sense of it...

We're trying to deal, we're trying to process it and move baby steps forward and maybe seek some joy that may be had in all of this. Yeah right.

JOY. in. THIS. maybe not today...

Where a door closes, a window opens...yadda yadda yadda. We know as we go through difficult times it brings our family closer together, and we've had quite a lot of that kind of family togetherness lately. Like ever since we moved to California 4 years ago.

Am I to be grateful? I'm really trying.

This morning we received news that Curt was laid off from his job (6 years & counting) with Baxter... completely unforeseen and unanticipated.

You're only as good as your last 30 days when it comes to budgets, numbers, & stretch goals in this cut-throat heartless corporate world.

I know, not the worst news ever in this economy where unemployment is so high. But when it's a complete surprise and it's YOU, it evokes different emotions that we just weren't prepared to deal with. (with the shock... Izzie saw me and said....shocked herself, "Daddy, is that how mommie cries?) Then I started laughing. {Love} Izzie.

Happy New Year. Completely shoved us to our knees...partly because I literally lost footing with this shocker {and it was either fall to my knees or on my butt with shock} and partly because we need

some major divine guidance. Fast.

We're still numb after a day of simplifying and cutting out extra expenses. Sacrifice isn't a foreign concept to our family, and it was humbling and sweet to hear the kids' reactions when we gathered them to talk about sacrifice, simplifying, & pulling together to get through this without completely losing our minds & tempers:

Kenz & Bray--"You can have my money to pay the bills."

Kenz & Mons-"Dad, you can have our phone since you won't have one."

Kenz & Mons--"We can ride our bikes to/from school so you can save gas (TWO miles)."

Lexie & Izzie- "Dad, maybe you can be the ice cream man now instead!"

Lexie - "Or, maybe you can work at Costco or be the boss at IN-'N'-Out so we can eat whenever we want. (Now, they're thinking)

Izzie-"I'm so sorry you lost your job, Daddy."

Thank heaven for little kids to bring a sense of humor (and compassion) to help lighten the load we carry as parents.

I'm feeling a wee bit grateful that:

*at least we are not tied to this house (other than a rental contract).

*We don't have to stay in bankrupt California (even though my heart is here).

*Deep deep down somewhere I do actually welcome the chance to become a cowgirl & live on a farm (NOT a Utah one) and have my kids feed chickens & milk cows & have space to run as far as the eyes can see...

*At least we can run far far away if need be.

*Curt's Masters Program IS mostly online...

*Or, we can stay put if that's how it all works out.

I know the kids are resilient, but I so NEVER envisioned them jumping from school to school.

I struggle with uprooting them yet again if that's how the cards play out.

Yes, they will survive. This isn't that bad...none of our kids have died, Curt doesn't have a terminal illness, we didn't lose our minds yet. It's not that bad other than the {not so} tiny detail that we don't have an ample savings to get us through yet since our last financial crazy only a few short months ago.

For now I'm gonna run far, far away in my head, and go watch a movie and wake up tomorrow hoping this was just a really icky nightmare and when I come-to and realize I have to figure out how to rob Peter to pay Paul...then I'll continue to simplify until we can find some

new hope on the horizon.

If ever I need to smile...

I pull out my kids' artwork. Works every time.

I especially love the eyelashes... and all the sunshine.

I love this artwork

where I can see the world through my four-year-old's eyes

where everyone is happy and dancing.

Where there is so much brightness, hope.

Izzie has that affect on me...

and I especially needed to smile and see the simplicity of life through a child's eyes this weekend.

I got the sad news that a friend that was once very dear and close to me was killed in a freak car accident. He was only 42. His sweet family survived...all four boys and his wife.

When my friend sent me the news, I fell to my knees. I'm so thankful for the simple beauties in life. The simple joys, the little things Curt does to make me happy, the things the kids say that make me laugh out loud, the Gospel of Jesus Christ, our eternal families. My heart goes out to this family as they pick up the pieces and try to move on with a perspective that one day they'll see their beloved dad/husband again.

I love the new song my kids have been singing and humming around the house... It's such a simple message based off the

The Family: A Proclamation to the World and goes like this:

Izzie's portraits leave me in stitches...

and leave me with a smile in appreciation for the simple bounties...and families.

A New Reality

What do all of these things have in common?

* A purple sparkly moving truck * A pink house * lots of friends to play with * A pool * good school * A church primary where they don't always sing wiggly songs * A church where the bathrooms work * bigger backyard * dance lessons * sports teams * bigger trampoline *

Don't they just sound so lovely?  I especially love the first two.

Requests from all of the kids...

This is the reality I was referring to that I'd rather not think about...

But truly, even after this post months ago, I feel calm; I'm okay with it.  But then again, we felt fine and calm and good about staying here too.  But it's almost a blessing in disguise even though I negotiated a killer modification on our first loan.  I truly thought we had ironed out the biggest kinks and that we'd sealed our future here in San Elijo.  

Even IF the decision hadn't just been made for us...even IF I actually did have a say in it (I didn't)...even IF the 2nd lender didn't just mess my plan royally and pull a major fast one...even IF we didn't have over 100K of our hard-earned cash sunk into this home...even IF we still try to milk our time here in this home that I have thrown my heart into, it wouldn't take away the fact that our home is still worth nearly $300,000 less than what we bought it for three years ago.  Yes, you read it right, nearly 300K big ones with no signs of improvement.  So, it's almost a blessing in disguise, even though we would have never made this exact decision without so rudely being forced to.  Or at least, that's one part that helps this blow feel a little better.

I feel like in the end Heavenly Father doesn't care how we accomplish his purposes, what ward, stake, neighborhood, school we are in....if we own a home or rent one... it might take away some of my personal JOY.  I know those things seem particularly important right at this moment, but in the end, the bigger picture has to be our focus.  

Our blessings...we have our health, our family is intact, we have our faith, and of course lots of hope that we'll be led in the right direction.  In the end it's important that we've learned to sacrifice, that we've built character and faith through our trials, that we've served one another, that we've taught our children well, that we have chosen Him.  Having to walk away from my home and the joy therein breaks me into pieces for a moment, but the bigger picture prevails!  And besides, Curt hasn't lost his job...it may be a tough economy, but we have that huge security even if it may be tough to make ends meet in this messed up state.

...and sometimes having no part in the decision is precisely how some of the best situations are born.  What I may view right now as lemons, can really be a delicious lemonade (okay, that was a lame analogy).

The bigger picture is what we have to focus on.    I will never go down without a fight and knowing that I have done everything humanly possible to avoid like what may seem right now as an awful reality is actually a comfort.  But there is light at the end...there is a sense of relief as the burden of a huge debt will be lifted...we will finally be able to save for more than a couple of rainy days... 

Say hello to no property taxes....no HOA fees for a while... I think I can live with this.  

Where?  we'll see.  San Elijo is out... a dollar per square foot isn't in the new budget.  

Temecula?  Vista?  Fallbrook?  Stay tuned.

TWO is a sweet word

At 10:34 a.m. two years ago

I thought that...

I had loved

I had felt joy

I had cried tears

I had seen miracles

I had known random kindness

I had felt love

I had experienced true hope & faith

I had been humble

I loved my husband & family

I knew so much

My heart was so full.

And at 10:35 am this tiny angel girl

our 1 lb. 12 oz.  baby doll

came into our lives

And then, even with all the unknowns, 

I understood...

that there's no love quite like the love for your own baby fighting for every little breath--

I understood...

why I had never cried quite like that

that I'd never seen a tender mercy & true miracle quite like her

that people are mostly wonderful, kind people...

that I had never felt hope to that extent

that I had never been humbled to the core...

that I had loved my husband,

but nothing like I loved him as the father of ALL our children

that I knew nothing and everything all at once;

that my heart would just burst from the joy and the heartache,

the trials, and all the goodness, 

the daily miracles 

and prayers answered...

I understood...

that the Lord's will would prevail...

and I was prepared to let her go if it was His will.

but it wasn't her time...we needed this miracle and she needed a body.

and as time went on and the milestones were reached, 'overjoyed' wouldn't even describe my feelings...

And my heart kept growing, and growing and growing...

Our baby girl has brought so much indescribable joy to our lives.

I had no idea.

Thank you, thank you for picking me to be her Mommie...

Thank you for granting us this miracle and allowing us to raise, love, and experience this amazing little girl grow.

Happy, Happy 2nd Birthday, 

my Viviana Faith. 

Always my Baby.

 

Always my reminder that 

where hope and faith grows...

miracles do blossom.

Denial WAS my happy place.

This past week has been somewhat of a 'realization week'...I'm officially out of denial.

Read on.

Watching the news these past couple of weeks makes me want to start collecting spare change, stash it in my walls and hoard every last dollar that can be found. Highest jump in oil prices in a single day ever and I drive a tank (hello...!!!! Haven't we heard of CNG yet?) Wall Street plummeting. Legendary Financial Institutions going awol. Housing crisis apparently not bad enough for said financial institutions to do much to modify and help unless you default on your loan first. A good way to see the bright side of things when you don't have much money invested- not much to lose...

...except the roof over our heads.

What? Did I yell in your ear? That's how I feel. I guess I was feeling unattached several months ago when I posted about "the house that someone else built." But I certainly didn't forsee us as part of the crisis, in the wake of craziness and uncertainty all around us. I should have just listened to a brother / friend / mortgage advisor a year ago when he told us in so many terms to 'get out!' Hindsight is always 20/20, isn't it?

If you've heard the news from one of the kids, yes, it's true. I'm feeling overwhelmed at what lies ahead and occasionally still question why in the world we were supposed to come to this overpriced, under- appreciated, commission-draining money pit in the first place? (besides the fact that our territory in Utah was dissolved and this was the only option to keep our job with Baxter??? And, maybe I wanted to move back home--more than a little bit... to So Cal even though every other family member is scattered throughout the US).

I just keep telling myself that it doesn't matter...I don't have to understand. Okay...so we're losing over 100K with a blink of an eye. Watching our American dream...fourth home in 11 years...quickly go down the tubes. But we really can't wait it out until the CA market decides to flourish again--could be 15 years for all I know. My friends point out that perhaps darling Dr. Daneshmand played a big part in saving Vivie's life--delivering by emergency C-sec when he did maybe playing a big part? Yes, the Lord's hand was the reason. But just maybe our NICU is special. Maybe we just needed to have a trial away from family to watch how everyone could pull resources and come together in a time of need. We sure found some forever friends as a result.  Only Heaven knows and it's not up to me to find out. So, go forward with faith. I think I'm good at that--but apparently we have more lessons to learn...and isn't that the beauty that is LIFE. It sure feels like we came here ... then 9 months later bedrest ... Vivie survived the odds ... crazy first year ... breathe for a second ... and then THIS.

There could be MUCH WORSE things, I know. I'm very aware of our immense blessings. I just never thought we'd be renters once again and have so much financial uncertainty! It is happening to many people who couldn't see it coming. Anyone that really knows me....would know how much of a challenge this is--to be without a home to make my own is like taking the medium away from an artist (not saying I'm an artist, but this is where my sanity comes from!) Guess I have to spread my wings and find a new hobby or modify.

Basically we're 'readying' the house for sale. I've done my research and then done it again. The skinny of it is that it will have to be a short sale because it's worth almost 200K less than what we bought it for 1 1/2 years ago. In the end, we're trying to avoid foreclosure and with 4-5 already sitting empty on my street it looks grim, but we're hoping for the best. It's apparently not easy to get a bank to accept a short sale. Our area has been hit HARD. Harder than hard.

The plan is to follow the prophet's counsel. We came to California debt-free and we fully intend to be that way again. Because there is one stable and known factor in all this...that is, Curt's J-O-B...and finally with a 2 1/2 year history in this SD market we know now what to expect for bonuses and can budget accordingly. Whereas, coming here we had a very different picture in mind... boy didn't that stink the day Baxter changed the commission structure 2 months after we bought at the height of the market. OUCH.

We plan to stay local so we can keep Curt's income and stay with this territory...as in the 'other side of town' in Vista or San Marcos if we can find something we can squeeze into for much less than we're paying now. My feeling? Temecula...here we come. Much more affordable. We've talked about Arizona or Washington for long-term roots once our financial standing is more stable. You know...the roots we fully intended on sticking into that beloved San Diego ground? Only time will tell. But for now? Tie up loose ends...like organizing every drawer, closet, nook & cranny, power washing, carpet cleaning, staging, project-finishing...making this home shine so we can put that for sale sign up and someone else can buy it for a bargain and make it his/her own.

I'm truly saddened. I love our community, I love it that it's a 10 mile drive to the beach, I love it that this street is alive mostly because of our six monkeys. I love the relationships we've built, the routines we have, the school, but I don't love the taxes, melloroos, lack of security and well-being. And I refuse to pretend that all is well on Mulberry Street (or Glencrest Dr. if you please).

So, there you have it. Uncut. Life sure throws a curveball sometimes, doesn't it? And maybe there's a silver lining in all of this (besides getting out of debt). And it's the lessons we take from it and how we handle those curveballs that make all the difference in the world...but it sure can stink in the meantime!!!! I'm just grateful that as we press forward things become a little more clearer...than mud, that is.