Eight Months...

I'm not thankful to be unemployed; I am not thankful for the feelings of desperation and moments of despair and hopelessness. I'm not thankful that nearly EIGHT months has gone by and we don't have even a foggy ballpark idea of what direction we're headed which makes planning any inkling of a future immensely difficult no matter how many little people are affected. I'm not thankful for an empty bank account or the lame Escalade we have that needs MUCH work before something blows... the check engine light itself it gonna burn out any day, or the front bald tires will shred... along with the front shocks that have already given way...not sure which will come first. And I'm not thankful that we feel just STUCK in 'park' and there's no 'pass go and collect $200' (or a get out of jail free card :) Because sometimes this trial just feels like jail.... only I wish we could make all that monopoly money useful for something!

But.... I am ever thankful for the tender mercies that have come as a result of this sucky unemployment trial... the little notes and gift certificates that were left on our doorstep a few days ago along with a giant multiple-family-size bottle of bubbles. I'm thankful for the prayers offered in our behalf and the notes I've received over the past weeks and months from friends who truly are a God-send. I'm thankful the the most basic needs that are being fulfilled. I'm grateful that I feel one with Curt and that our marriage is as strong as ever. I'm thankful for the extra time we get to spend and that we can run away together every day if we want...because we DO have one car that works even if it's not perfect. I'm thankful for the opportunities to teach our children about sacrifice... selflessness, and service... the endless lessons at our fingertips. We can have a generally good perspective, yet still acknowledge how awful it can feel at times. I think it is MUCH worse for Curt.... I am thankful that he's also going to school and keeping his mind focused and sharp, that he's moving forward in some direction even if there can be no fruits yet from that labor.

These last few days have been particularly difficult for some reason. We're not without hope, not without faith... but some things just seem to feel heavier and more burdensome at times. And right now is one of those times. I know it's going to be fine.... and I know it's not the end of the world and that many others are going through much worse right now. But it's just okay to declare how sucky life can be once in a while, right?

The last few days as Curt and I have reflected on our current awful crazy and we are at a loss for words to express just how it feels. We look back and see that everything we have worked so hard to build has sunk so fast over the last couple years even though we're doing all the right things and being honest, truthful, good people trying to raise good and valiant contributing citizens.

I know I can be poor as poor can be and live happily in a shack on the side of the road eating homemade bread and water if need be as long as I can run to a quiet place once in a while and I have the important things like my faith, family, love, etc.

I learned quickly that the trial of losing a home and having to be a 'renter' is not NEARLY as awful as I thought it would be... in fact, it's not awful at all. It's just different. And it's temporary. One of my favorite scriptures is Proverbs 3:5-6. I know that as we turn to the Lord and give away these feelings of despair and hopelessness, continue to press on and just trust... that something grand will happen not only to our hearts, but to the path we find ourselves trodding down.


And even though today it seems impossible.... I've learned that the unemployment trial is what you make of it too. Much of it is about attitude and the choice to remain positive and hopeful. There are obvious temporal needs that need to be satisfied someway and somehow, but the major needful things have all been taken care of. I am thankful that our children are healthy for the most part (except for the 12 cavities and 4 root canals that one of our kids needs), but I'm grateful that we now have medical/dental insurance to look after those needs (thank you, medi-cal). I'm grateful we'll be able to get Viviana's obstructive sleep apnea taken care of so she can finally breathe at night, as well as learn from all the blood work if Alexandra's going through precocious puberty at six (not fun) or just has smelly 13-year-old boy pits and zits (lovely).

The kids are happy even though they bicker and fight, and we are all learning to appreciate the simple things and how being creative with our time and energies is just as fulfilling and lovely as it was eight months ago when we had a bank account, a job, and a future plan. I love love love the quote from a book I'm just finishing called The Shack.. the book is definitely different and isn't exactly the imagery and whole religious perspective I believe in, but there's some great lessons in it and I love this:

"pain has a way of clipping our wings and keeping us from being able to fly. And if it's left unresolved for very long, you can almost forget that you were ever created to fly in the first place."

So even though I'm not in 'pain' and I haven't any bitterness or anger to let go of, I have to remember that with this small trial, my perspective and attitude is everything. If I choose to be negative and give into self-pity too often, then those 'wings' could be clipped to the point that we're not moving forward and upward and forget our purpose altogether. I don't have to understand the why's... I just have to have the kind of crazy rock solid faith I had when we were going through the Vivie trial, and perhaps that's when the path will be made a little more clear.