Sweet Memories....

Sometimes I get in these reflective moods of extreme gratitude and remembrance of Viviana's earliest days. It's one of those days to reflect on the Lord's tender mercies....and so the laundry will have to wait, the TV is on to entertain the girls (bad mommie!) I'm surrounded by Sunday's messes, I literally threw food on the table for Lex and Iz to pick at, and my laptop is working at the moment which is a rarity lately, so here it goes before it leaves my mind...you know, that momnesia thing! Whatever tornado ensues around me I'll deal with later! Some of these things are random memories, but I don't want to forget even the smallest tidbit about my tender experiences with Viviana's earliest days. And perhaps this may help someone else along the way...

I made the 70 mile RT daily trips to the NICU (for 100 days....I only missed 2...one on my birthday, the other on a day when I just couldn't do it) while Curt would hold down the fort most days. He would visit her in between his work calls and appts. downtown...and we'd go together a couple times a week. Anyway, I would bring in the cutest little things to outfit her from head to toe. From bows I'd stick to her ever-so-tiny head with surgical goo, to dainty little lace-trimmed socks, and of course, the cutest wardrobe, blankies, homemade burpcloths, and little homemade fuzzy 'sleeping pads' to help her be comfy.

It was such a great day when she was finally ONE whole kilo (1000 gms--this happened on my birthday when she was 22 days old! She was born at 801 gms on 5/9, then dipped down to 678 gms bt 5/15). She was then allowed to wear her wardrobe that awaited her in her little hospital closet (drawer)! How darling is this dress?! She did grow into it eventually! It really was a milestone. I used to take these things back and forth from the hospital to home and wash them for her and return the next day with my goods...and with usually more to add to the collection. On nights when I just would cry myself to sleep and wonder what was in store the next day, I would hold these clothes close to me, just cry, and just take in her very distinct smell...her scent was great comfort for me. And sometimes I'd sleep with her washed blankies so that she could cuddle with something familiar--the smell of her mommie. Just yesterday before I got her dressed for bed I took a big whiff of her jammies (a mommie thing.....okay, a shayla thing) and just remembered how comforting her distinctive scent has always been to me.

The nurses were always in awe of how I had time with five little ones at home and so very stretched with my time to whip up a blanket or burpcloths. "Do you do this in your sleep?" the nurses often wondered out loud....but for me, it was my coping mechanism for something that I could not control. I am a woman of great faith. I know that. I am not boasting, I'm recognizing my blessings. And that is one of them. I have been blessed with the ability to have extreme faith all the while a balanced understanding of reality. I am thankful for that blessing. That is one thing the Lord required of our family for Viviana to survive... I know hundreds of friends and families exercised extreme faith on our behalf which I will be forever grateful....and thus, Viviana Faith.

This photo of all my children was such an important day for me. Every mom has an innate need to have a picture of all her children...together. Mine was a bit of a challenge to get though. We had to wait until the end of June when Vivie was stable enough and could have all her siblings in the room at the same time for just a minute. My world was so much happier after this photo...it brought me great comfort and took away some of my anxiety. I am immensely blessed.

There weren't too many things I could do to help Viviana. I could pray, and then pray some more. At times I felt like a helpless mom...with a lot of hope. So I'd sit by her bedside and write in my journal...I'd pump my milk for her delicate little body, I'd kangaroo hold her as long as she'd tolerate it (up to a hour) in her first 5 weeks, I'd sing to her, I'd change her teeny diapers, I'd bathe her, I'd wash her clothes, and I even brought in an ipod nano with the same lullabies, primary songs, and classical music..the same ones that I'd listen to on bedrest. My thoughts were that they'd be familiar to her and help to sustain her in the early days. Yes, she was a princess from day one. What other micro preemie had an ipod nano in their incubator?? I was laughed at--I'm sure it looked ridiculous! I don't know if these things truly helped her or not. Maybe they were just annoying, but again, they were comforts to me that I was doing all that I could to help my precious angel. I know she felt my presence by her bedside. Every so often she would stare at me in the eyes and I would know that she realized the sacrifice. Her smiles meant the world to me early on. And when I had to leave to fulfill my other responsibilities at home I would silently cry. At times the thought of leaving her behind was ever so difficult. But I knew she was being left in very capable and amazing hands.

It also brought me great comfort to hand-pick her primary and co-primary nurses. I cannot say enough amazing things about her primary care givers...the nurses...especially Tara. We had relationships with a few others, like Donna, that were not able to be her primary, but would always check up on Vivs and cuddle her when they could in my absence. To know that she was loved from an extended circle of people was great comfort to me. I will forever be grateful to that amazing staff at Mary Birch for the care she received...there were only a few doozies. And I made sure they stayed far away from Vivie's bedside!

It brought me great comfort to know that there were angels literally surrounding her bedside. Anyone who was able to spend any time at her 'condo' cannot deny the special feeling surrounding her. I remember feeling that she was still receiving instructions from above--and that is why she was so very calm most of the time in the incubator. At one point, a night nurse supervisor that I hadn't yet met approached me and just wanted to confirm that we were members of the LDS church. She said she figured....she was too, and told me that there were a few instances in which Vivie's presence had already influenced a few discussions about the gospel and she just wanted me to know. Apparently it was not uncommon for the nurses and visitors to pass by, see the pictures surrounding her, and had questions about this large family. This nurse was just expressing how Vivie had been a missionary tool. These experiences continued as Curt and Sean would administer to her with many wondering eyes surrounding us...even with the screens we put up to try and make it private. It made for some special discussions.

Every week or so, depending on the severity of her Retinopathy of Prematurity (ROP--the preemie eye problem she had) the Opthamologists would come check Viviana's eyes. We watched most of these micro-preemies head to surgery at one point or another because of the ROP. One Thursday, Viviana had basically declared herself. She needed this surgery, which ultimately would take away any peripheral vision she'd have, in hopes that the ROP would stop in its tracks so that she would not be legally blind. The Opthamologist was to come back on Sunday and check her, and then the plan was to take her to surgery that very day. The consents were signed, the plan was in place. We held a fast specifically for her eyes. Sunday came and when Dr. Bansal checked her, she was astounded. The ROP had regressed and started to show signs that it was going to back off and go away. She reported that she was shocked. It's not often that she'd see ROP declare itself for surgery and then back off quite the way Vivie's did. Another miracle. Vivie's eyes are perfect today. I am so thankful for the power of fasting and prayer. I'm grateful for the knowledge that if we expect miracles, they can occur.

It is commonplace for micro-preemies to require part, if not, full blood transfusions several times throughout their early weeks and months. Viviana was no exception. We share the same bloodtype, A+, but because of my major c-section surgery, I could not give blood until 8 weeks post surgery. My mom has the universal blood type, so on her first trip to meet Vivie and bring me back my Lexie & Izzie, she gave blood for Vivs. Vivie had received a transfusion from the hospital supply and it really didn't boost her the way the Dr.'s had hoped. So when the time was right, Viviana was able to receive my mom's blood. It was amazing to me how her grandma's blood made all the difference in the world to Viviana's body. She responded beautifully...her stats when up, her jaundice improved, her color changed and she really just soared after receiving Ama's blood. That was great comfort to me...and I know it was a special experience for my mom..to serve her by having her blood course Vivie's veins.

I will forever remember how Lexie insisted on being my companion everyday when I went to the hospital. She had a special connection with Vivie early on and would just cry if she couldn't see her everyday. I'm also thankful that I had 5 children to hold on to and love when I couldn't physically love Viviana. I believe that sustained me on many tough days.

I will forever be thankful for a friend who knew of Vivie's need for blood and went to the blood bank on his lunch break to give in her name.

I will forever be thankful for the time when my mom called Vivie's name into every temple in the United States....we literally felt the powers of heaven open up as blessings poured on her and thousands of prayers were offered up in her behalf.

I will forever be thankful for the loving friends that brightened my days during this great trial and helped to ease my burdens any way they could.

I will forever be grateful that along with Curt, Allison stayed and sat by my side while I labored with Vivie...through the most excruciating 24 hours of my life...and so many unknowns awaiting us. We told the nurses and Dr's a little white lie...that Allison was my sister, so that she could have clearance to go set up Vivie's space and be the loving arms there waiting for her in the NICU while Curt was with me in surgery....even if the only comfort she could give Vivie was a finger to hold. Human touch. It brought me great comfort to know Allison was the one waiting there for our angel.

I will forever be thankful for those few that were dear and close to me that selflessly escorted me to the hospital on the days that I was not able to physically drive and Curt was not able to take me. Their companionship and strength buoyed me up when I truly needed it. I love you---you know who you are.

I will forever be thankful for every phone call, every email, every well-wish, every prayer, every gift given out of love.

I will forever be thankful for the urgings and promptings I felt to be physically, spiritually, financially, and emotionally prepared for the best, the worst, and everything in between. There was a reason for all of the preparation that took place.

I will forever be thankful that my mother took the time to crochet a beautiful dress for Vivie not knowing what her outcome would be. That must have been one of the most difficult, yet sweet experiences for her...I know it was for me. It is a twinner one to my girls' blessing dress..only about 5 sizes smaller.

"We are not human beings having a spiritual experience, we are spiritual beings having a human experience."

If we remember this, our trials and life's circumstances can become lighter and our experiences will become sweeter and more sacred. This whole thing really has lasted for over a year for me. I can truly say, my Viviana experience has been a sweet one...even with all the unknowns early on. I'm thankful for that wilderness-of-sorts that I was in during my pregnancy. I was given a place of solitude, of safety, and protection. My focus could literally be put on Vivie as I mustered up the faith to continue each day...it was not easy. It wasn't supposed to be easy. But I made it through that wilderness and I have felt so very humbled and nourished...and look at her a year later.

She is still a princess...with a party hat this time! BTW, she didn't enjoy her birthday cupcake too much...she was more disgusted, really, at this foreign taste inside her mouth. We'll have to plan a do-over at her one year adjusted birthday in 14 weeks....like the only fringe benefit of being a micro-preemie...a real b-day and an adjusted one! I'm pretty pleased with my homemade hat---even if the circumference is too small for her noggin! It feels good to say that!