Feeling Nostalgic...

What makes a home?  

Is it the family and loved ones that share the walls with you?  

The colors you pick out to dress up the walls (and the colors they pick out to scribble up the walls)?  

The pillows you lovingly create for your family to lounge against (or to build forts and barbie houses with)?  

The decor and pictures that adorn the nooks and crannies (even the homemade Mothers Day variety)?  

The meals your family has come to call favorites (like top ramen, cream tuna, and don't forget the trusty oatmeal, waffles, and cold cereal...we're going for high class here...).  

Or perhaps the laughter and pitter-patter of feet that makes it come alive?

Or is it the bookshelf that holds your children's favorite bedtime stories?  

Or possibly the actual stories that are told within the walls of a home...from the scriptures, a favorite magazine, or from Izzie's amazing imagination?  

Is it music that fills the air?

For me, it's a little bit of all of them.  Certainly just having my family with me is enough.  But to me, there is a great appeal to homemaking.  Truly, It is an art.  I am the MAKER of our HOME.  That, coupled with being the mother of our home...What a greater calling could there possibly be?

I dusted the shelves and cleaned the house from top to bottom one last time... and then snapped away to document the walls of this home...this home that we are forced to walk away from.  This home that I have poured my heart and soul into as I have every other, this home that we wanted to raise the kids in and spread our roots...

But I'm okay with it.  Truly, it's a difficult situation but I can see the positives and the 'twisted' stability that will come out of this decision that we would not have made on our own.  The walls of our home will always be filled with that same love, the same crazy sounds of six children bustling about, the same aromas, the same care.  I may not be able to call it 'ours' and express myself freely, but it will still be 'a home'...  I will always be the Maker of our Home.

THAT IS, if someone will finally choose us and let us sign a lease!  We have been discriminated against in trying to secure the perfect place for our family.  It's been an eye-opening and truly astounding experience...frustrating, to say the least.  And the thing is...the ones who have 'rejected' us have actually come out and said, "the owner just doesn't want to rent to such a large family."  Excuse me, who else did you want to reside in a five bedroom 3000 sq ft+ home?  Something will work out soon... soon, we'll know what address we'll call 'home' this summer and beyond.

As we're sitting amongst some packed boxes and bare walls (I am trying to pace myself and not leave it for the last minute), I am soaking in the feelings I have for our current home...feeling a bit nostalgic.  There isn't a corner in this place that I haven't touched with love or that isn't saturated with memories...in only three short years.  

A few of my corners...  okay, a lot of my corners...  actually, EVERY corner.  Just so I'll never forget our 'castle.'

"Better to see you with, my dear!"

Today....I am thankful that we have a PAIR of eyes.  I am grateful that we have competent Docs to diagnose and fix these earthly bodies that sometimes challenge us!

Last month Lexie had her big kindergarten well-check.  During the routine eye check, Lexie failed the simple test on her left eye. I thought for certain it was just because it was blurry from covering it while checking her right eye.  NOPE.  We saw our Optometrist and indeed...Lexie is considered legally blind in her left eye.  Refractive Amblyopia.  But her amblyopic eye never drifts off the way some do.   How blessed she is that it was caught this early-on because now she has the chance to repair it before her more permanent vision sets in about age ten.    

So now her eyes need some bling!  (This pic is before her transition lenses were put in the frames).  She needs to patch her good eye for 4 months or so to try and strengthen her left one and get that brain signal to start firing again.  You better bet I'll figure out a way to make eye  patching fabulously fashionable!  The hunt for the perfect pair of glasses wasn't easy...she's quite opinionated - I experienced some major dejavu...perhaps my clone?  She's darling in her pink/purple sparkle glasses.  Perfect for my little five year old princess.  And thank heavens it was caught before Kindergarten began.   Who said coke bottle glasses couldn't be worn with great style & finesse?  

A New Reality

What do all of these things have in common?

* A purple sparkly moving truck * A pink house * lots of friends to play with * A pool * good school * A church primary where they don't always sing wiggly songs * A church where the bathrooms work * bigger backyard * dance lessons * sports teams * bigger trampoline *

Don't they just sound so lovely?  I especially love the first two.

Requests from all of the kids...

This is the reality I was referring to that I'd rather not think about...

But truly, even after this post months ago, I feel calm; I'm okay with it.  But then again, we felt fine and calm and good about staying here too.  But it's almost a blessing in disguise even though I negotiated a killer modification on our first loan.  I truly thought we had ironed out the biggest kinks and that we'd sealed our future here in San Elijo.  

Even IF the decision hadn't just been made for us...even IF I actually did have a say in it (I didn't)...even IF the 2nd lender didn't just mess my plan royally and pull a major fast one...even IF we didn't have over 100K of our hard-earned cash sunk into this home...even IF we still try to milk our time here in this home that I have thrown my heart into, it wouldn't take away the fact that our home is still worth nearly $300,000 less than what we bought it for three years ago.  Yes, you read it right, nearly 300K big ones with no signs of improvement.  So, it's almost a blessing in disguise, even though we would have never made this exact decision without so rudely being forced to.  Or at least, that's one part that helps this blow feel a little better.

I feel like in the end Heavenly Father doesn't care how we accomplish his purposes, what ward, stake, neighborhood, school we are in....if we own a home or rent one... it might take away some of my personal JOY.  I know those things seem particularly important right at this moment, but in the end, the bigger picture has to be our focus.  

Our blessings...we have our health, our family is intact, we have our faith, and of course lots of hope that we'll be led in the right direction.  In the end it's important that we've learned to sacrifice, that we've built character and faith through our trials, that we've served one another, that we've taught our children well, that we have chosen Him.  Having to walk away from my home and the joy therein breaks me into pieces for a moment, but the bigger picture prevails!  And besides, Curt hasn't lost his job...it may be a tough economy, but we have that huge security even if it may be tough to make ends meet in this messed up state.

...and sometimes having no part in the decision is precisely how some of the best situations are born.  What I may view right now as lemons, can really be a delicious lemonade (okay, that was a lame analogy).

The bigger picture is what we have to focus on.    I will never go down without a fight and knowing that I have done everything humanly possible to avoid like what may seem right now as an awful reality is actually a comfort.  But there is light at the end...there is a sense of relief as the burden of a huge debt will be lifted...we will finally be able to save for more than a couple of rainy days... 

Say hello to no property taxes....no HOA fees for a while... I think I can live with this.  

Where?  we'll see.  San Elijo is out... a dollar per square foot isn't in the new budget.  

Temecula?  Vista?  Fallbrook?  Stay tuned.

Quirky Girls, Songs & Stories

It's been a LONG couple of days.  Lots of crazy twists and turns...news and realities soaking in that I'd rather not face.  Oh, how I'm grateful for my Isabella Daisy because every night when I put her in bed I can always count on a smile and a laugh...and the feeling of deep gratitude for the simple things.  I can always count on a vibrant and full-of-life (arm movements and flamboyant drama included) impromptu and original song or two that includes a message about rainbows, sparkles, temples, loving mom, the beach, and more sparkles...because everything is simply sparkly through Izzie's eyes.  She always brings a smile & deep laugh to my day, and complete joy to my heart.  The bright side of things through a child's eyes.  I can always count on my Izzie to give me a lift and to help me see the simple beauties in life through all of the crud and smut we wade through as adults.  

The quirk I should never ignore.... Lexie was utterly exhausted last night and conked out before I had the chance to hear her little stories and to sing songs with her.  So I tenderly cuddled her, but of course she didn't remember it...  

Fast forward to 1:45 am.  She wakes up with a grudge...so upset remembering that she fell asleep without her stories and songs.  She screams for me in utter disgust and disappointment.  I'm a heavy sleeper (thank heavens).  So Curt wakes me up and I sleep-walk into her room and throw myself on her bed to tell her I already cuddled with her, but that she was asleep already. 

Not good enough.

So I lay half asleep waiting to listen to her middle-of-the-night story.  Only she won't tell it because my eyes aren't open and she wants my full attention. I literally cannot open my eyes.  I couldn't even pick myself up to walk to my own bed at this point!  So I lie there...and I remember waking up again at 3:45 am with Lex folding her arms in disgust staring me down and begging me to open an eye and watch her tell her simple little story.   TWO HOURS she sat there unwilling to cuddle because my eyes weren't open to listen to her. I was somewhere in a REM cycle.  Somehow I manage to pry one eye open, listen for 2 minutes, she finishes, I tuck her in...and off to sleepy land for a few more hours.  

Lesson learned.  Again.  She remembers and has certain standards and expectations...but she values her mommie.  She lives and breathes for me the same way I do for her.  She wants to be heard with care and attention.  Let's hope those same high standards and expectations transfer to every aspect of her life and carry us through teenagehood!  Caffeine, anyone?