Perhaps it came because I was feeling gratitude for our trials... Publicly, in our monthly testimony meeting at church. We should know that when we publicly express gratitude for trials that we're just going to get more-- isn't it part of Murphy's Law? It's like I was baiting the Lord to just bring it on. He did. Or WE did. Either way...
Our world hasn't been quite right these last couple weeks. Moving? Staying? Going back to what we left 8 months ago, or moving forward in a straight line? Okay, maybe that line has seemed to move a little backwards and sideways... and has become the can't-make-sense of it-line the last 8 months... So what's best for the kids? What's best for our future? Are we nuts if we don't take the opportunity in front of us? What about stability? Safety? Is it overrated? Is it a tender mercy... this place we have now, or is a tender mercy... this opportunity in front of us to get back what we thought was lost? Can we really handle the insane roller coaster, all the variables, the unanswered questions, the crazy that is spewing from all ends of our lives with no end in sight? Is there even a right and a wrong answer? I know, I'm being vague. This is only the half of it.
My mom says I should just look at the next lesson I teach in church a couple months ahead of time to know what my trials are going to be that particular month-- because they seem to coincide. This next one is prayer. And I think this situation has probably broken into the top 10 struggles of my life to find a concrete answer. I wasn't sure that there was a right or a wrong answer... I wasn't sure the Lord actually cared which direction we headed, as long as we're serving, remaining righteous, and loving our children. I had more heart-to-heart talks than usual: with family, my bestie, the Lord... more time on my knees, more visits to the San Diego Temple than normal, and more diving into the scriptures than typical for me. I'm convinced that the issues and things that are 'broke' right now in Temecula can be fixed... but that the pathway, at least for the next little while, needs to remain where we are. And for that sure knowledge, I am so grateful.
I'd be lying if I didn't say I'm deeply saddened. We had fabulous neighbors and friends in San Elijo. We already left them once... I can't even bear to think that I'd have to maybe repeat that again. But I have to admit I'm also relieved, and hopeful for the future. I've learned a lot about myself in the last 8 months. I've also learned that renting isn't as horrible as I thought it would be... {that really is a revelation for me} Having a safe place we can actually afford... even during unemployment. That's a real blessing. Our unemployment benefit is to the cent exactly what our rent is. This situation has also been an exercise in humility, in recognizing the tender mercies and feeling the gratitude for all the blessings, large and small, in our lives right now during this unemployment crazy.
We could have prolonged our crazy move all this time. We could have been there saving money when unemployment knocked on our door. What lender 'loses' a file and 'miraculously' finds it 8 months later? OURS. We thought someone was acting as 'us' and applying for mod after mod. Nope... just inefficiency. We should have played the game. We could have moved back in to wait out our unemployment, save some money and then capitalize on the 'new' mortgage relief that was just announced. All legal and completely ethical... we still own the title. I find it odd that we have been considering moving back for the last couple weeks, even before any new legislation was announced. We had no idea it was coming. We just knew the bank hadn't foreclosed... and that there was an opportunity. Our mortgage company has been the most inefficient, most difficult beast to work with. Hands down. We do kick ourselves for not staying and waiting all this out; hindsight is always 20/20. But there are just some things that need to be left alone once they're done.
I think for one, the Lord knows I just couldn't bear to have to leave that home & our dear neighbors & friends again if it just didn't work out for the second time. I think my family would have to pry me away and carry me out kicking and screaming this time. So maybe partially the answer was about me... but mostly it's about the greater good of the family. And we have an omniscient, loving, merciful Heavenly Father and for that, I am thankful. Plus, I don't have to spend my kids' two weeks of spring break packing and crying... and whining some more because that's just a long, long road of unknowns.
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